thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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