Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
