so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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