____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
