I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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