I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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