im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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