I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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