i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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