Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
