walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
