I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
