you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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