Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
