If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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