Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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