Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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