I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Shame - the story of my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
