How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
