college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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