Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
