she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize