I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
