We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
