for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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