I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
