If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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