i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she smelled like a LAN party
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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