I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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