Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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