I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
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Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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