I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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