my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
