I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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