You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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