Will you blow on my dice?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
