I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
