I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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