I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
