its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
