i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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