I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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