forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
