Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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