Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
