u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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