Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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