Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize