I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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