I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
