Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
