alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
