If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
