My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize