Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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