I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
