I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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